A Single Foe

“Face a single foe as if you are facing ten thousand enemies; face ten thousand enemies as a single foe.”

-Morihei Ueshiba, The Art of Peace

August 2018

Recently I learned that Chiari’s reach goes much farther than the physical.

I had a hunch because how could a malformation in the brain NOT create mental and emotional disturbances? It’s bizarre watching videos of doctors running down lists of symptoms and feeling dozens of tiny light bulbs going off as I realized THAT’S ALL ME.

Headache? Check. Poor coordination? Check. Trouble swallowing? Check. Obsessive-compulsive tendencies?....Check. Irritability?...well, yes. Check. Difficulty forming words?...wait, really? CHECK.

The list goes on and my mind is reeling (an unquiet mind can also, apparently, be a symptom).

The doctors are quick to recognize that all the symptoms—physical, mental, and emotional—associated with chiari malformations can also be attributed to other factors. But it sure is strange that I can link almost every pain, irritation, and bodily tick back to the 18 millimeter descent of my cerebellum into my spinal column. Even if it wasn’t the initial cause, it certainly contributes to the problems.

The side effect of perusing side effects is that the ones I do have—even the ones I just think I have—are intensified tenfold. I can’t take a drink of water, or sneeze, or go for a walk without fear. Every time I bump into a wall, or slur my words, or have a sudden lapse in memory, I silently curse the chiari, drawing even more attention to the affliction I’ve been desperate to edge out of my life.

There was once a time when I had no pain. When I could take a drink of water without fear of choking (when was the last time I didn’t think about how to properly swallow?) or walk and talk at the same time and still get enough air. The more I learn about this condition the worse I feel. I had a friend who refused to read books about pregnancy and childbirth when she was pregnant because she didn’t want to know too much or have reason to worry. Maybe she was onto something.

Maybe ignorance really is bliss.

On the other hand, sometimes it helps to know all the faces of your adversary. In the Art of Peace Morihei Ueshiba says “Face a single foe as if you are facing ten thousand enemies; face ten thousand enemies as a single foe.” I understand that to mean that we should approach a single foe with the veracity of facing an entire army, and face the army with the care and attention of a single foe.

I realize I could be way off base with that interpretation. But that logic works here.

The chiari is the source, the single foe. Even if it doesn’t outright cause all the wide-ranging symptoms I experience in a day, it exacerbates them. The symptoms are like Chiari’s army, the ten thousand enemies. I don’t have to vanquish them individually.

Just one.

One that I will face with care, attention, and veracity of ten thousand foes.